OUSGG Summer Activity, Scotland ’98

This years summer activity saw ten members spend two weeks filled with fun, fraternisation, spiritual fulfillment (for Munro baggers) and plenty of faffing north of the border. The first week was weathered under canvas by the slopes of Ben Nevis followed by a stint in a "shepherd’s cottage" deep in the Forest of Ae.

I was new to both OUSGG trips and Scotland so I had much to take in, one thing that did become clear is that I would want to return to them. Our stay, from 27th June to 14th July, coincided with peak season for both tourists and midges, though which was the more irritatingly abundant was a moot point. Our arrival was sporadic and felt a little surreal for me as I found myself stranded at Glasgow central only hours after finishing prelims with no known destination.

The motley crew was soon assembled in the Glen Nevis in a suprisingly plush campsite, with showers, sparrows, picnic tables and litter pickers! We were clearly living above our station. Our first walk was a leisurely circular to the Dun Deardail fort, which has panoramic views, particularly in fog but the fabled island birthplace of Macbeth was given added mystique. Our first Munro was An Gearanach at 982m. We wended our was up the beautiful Glen Nevis, passing dramatic waterfalls, verdant forest and crossing a three strand wire bridge before making the final steep climb to the summit. From here we enjoy a well-earned sarnie and bake in the sun, finally above midge level.

By the time we climbed Ben Nevis itself I had a bad case of Munro madness "Only a hill, but all of life to me. Up there between the sunset and the sea" as someone else put it. The peak lived up to its name - "mountain with its head in the clouds" so we were not rewarded with the breathtaking summit view. Matthew still got his photo in, displacing very cold T-shirt clad tourists from the trig point with "I’m a journalist I need these for my magazine". I think the presence of an inflatable seagull rather blew his cover though.

The exertions of the climb seemed a good excuse to faff for a day. Jo, David, Gareth and the ever present furry mascot Roadkill toured around Loch Linhee whilst others absorbed some rays by the river. Our camp sports developed from ‘hit the sparrow with madiera cake’ through skimming and the play park to the now infamous (?) ball, frisbee, lemon (Yes that’s right, for those citrus fresh hands).

To avoid midges we tended to decamp to the Nevisport bar and it was at this tavern, in common with many revolutionary plots, that we planned a radical EGM. The minutes of this meeting were in fact such hot material that they appear to have been "lost" - government cover-up more like, in fact I suspect that Roadkill’s mismatched tail could be explained as a planted bug antennae, since traditionally spooks aren’t too clever on fluffy mammal types. Anyway before I descend in to complete paranoia and encrypt everything, I’ll give a rough summary of the agenda:

1. To mandate the treasurer to buy a mountain, if such funds became available so as to be 110% (never let it be said we weren’t prudent) of the purchase price. Clearly we had Snowdon in mind but that has been bagged by the NT for several million more tha n our bank balance.
2. To put lemons on the essential kit list for all OUSGG trips away. I’m sure I need not extol the virtues of this mighty citrus fruit, but in case anyone is in doubt some of the myriad uses are... (a) To eat providing vitamin C and scurvy prevention, (b ) To suck, enabling comic goldfish cheek sucking impressions, (c) To throw around, taking advantage of its aerodynamic shape, ‘give’ and lemon fresh aroma, (d) To put in tea, especially after being softened by several days of (c). David pointed out that "lemons can be hard to get hold of and hey are we unfairly discriminating against the lime, if they’re good enough for the Royal Navy why not OUSGG." Good point well made.
3. To mandate the equipment officer to purchase a colander. Clearly this needed to be justified to Chris in terms of its potential to act as a ventilated climbing hard hat, and tough climbing gear holdall. It could also of course be used as a pasta strai ner/salad tosser and as a means of separating the hard people from the soft (?).
4. To investigate buying a OUSGG punt (again) including consideration of (a) fireproof properties, (b) deep water propulsion and self righting, (c) amphibious capability, (d) suitability as a substitute emergency slug, (e) ability to beat world land, water and air speed records on sustainable fuel.
5. Winter Walking 2000 - deferred again

All motions were illegally passed and promptly ignored.

We bagged five more munros including the impressively pointy Sgeli am Bram before it was time to pack our kit into Gareth’s photon torpedo/slug/whatever else you call a roof rack luggage thingy and head down south.

We wanted a secluded location but thought the six-mile forest track from Ae village was possibly over doing it. Fortunately for those in the following car Hugh’s exhaust pipe acted as a handy rock plough. The cottage was clearly furnished with Mies van de Rohes dictum "less is more" in mind but hey it had running water, a fire and real toilets so we weren’t complaining. By the second night we had even worked out the eccentric plumbing and hence could enjoy a hot wash, provided you lit the fire six hours before that is. The cottage had its own water supply draining from the hill, when forest debris started to flow out of the taps we decided to check out the source. No problem for our collective scouting/guiding minds? Sadly not, after various attempted sweep searches, false pipe traces, surveying and even attempted water divining, Jo eventually landed upon the elusive tank. The by-product of all this faffing around was the discovery of the assault coarse, which proved to be both demanding and very dodgy (you wouldn’t have gotten away with lashings that loose in my day).

The dense plantation surrounding us provided an ideal micro-navigation exercise. Hiking 2km to the nearest road within two-degree accuracy. This proved that a white hat on a big stick was a useful tool but, on balance, Gareth’s GPS was better.

No camp is complete without a roaring fire and this requires lots of wood; hence those classical scoutcraft saw and axe skills, an invigorating upper body workout in the bracing forest air and appalling renditions of the lumberjack song. Unfortunately for Gareth the sawing frames were not entirely sound. First aid skills were called for as the casualty was gingerly slid into Hugh’s car for the agonisingly bumpy ride down the track to Dumfries A&E. Suffice it to say that the assault coarse record was probably safe for a while and Gareth’s penchant for baggy trousers was a blessing. Hugh’s car probably suffered equal injury that day but we weren’t going to destine Gareth to the scrap heap in quite the same fashion.

The cottage stove enabled us to expand our culinary repertoire. Thomas’s cunningly prepared recipes needed slight adaptation however: Our "lasagne" was particularly novel, involving neither baking dishes or cheese sauce. We managed a wide variety of dishes including a superb cottage pie. The marmite and mustard made all the difference - to the stuff Chris needed to take back to stores. The high point was perhaps our "Ae Banquet": a three-course feast complete with formal service, wine and candlelight. An evening of making merry followed including my introduction to the Dream Game and a traditional campfire sing along with "we’re going into finals," a particular favourite.

Hugh and recently insured Jo dared the forest track for several outings. We visited Bladnoch distillery, with an informative and indeed intoxicating (for Matthew) tour followed by a pleasant post-prandial amble by the river. This was followed by Whithorn Dig, around which Katrina was the perfect guide. It was all about the cult of St Ninian but the monks in catalogue poses caught my eye. We took the opportunity of our coastal location by heading down to the beach and like typical Brits strode forth in fleeces to play cricket with Gareth’s crutches.

We finished as we began, with a stiff hike near Moffat, from Erikstone to Hartfell spa. A steep gully then allowed Chris to utilise all that training on the climbing wall at the cottage before ascending to Hartfell (808m). From the peak, the nearby saddle yoke called out to be climbed, but that would have to wait for another trip.

Chair’s Address

Welcome to Oxford/home/to OUSGG (delete as applicable). For once in my life I am completely lost for words, so this could be the dullest and most cliched PS article I have ever written. Not difficult, given the stunning wit and originality of the others. (All chairmen should be modest, don't you think?) I could tell you all about this term's activities, but nothing's altered (yet) since the termcard so there's not much point. You'll have to come along and find out! A previous Michaelmas Postscript talked of "the healthy number of new freshers", though there was some dispute at the original version "the number of healthy new freshers". This year we certainly aren't overrun with newcomers, thanks maybe to OUSU's placement of our fresher's fair stall in the tiddlywinks and Guild of Assassins room. But I'm sure that quality will make up for quantity, and who knows, this time next year you too could be chairman! Have a good year, and go to Winter Walking. (Subtle hey?)

Mike’s Medical Notes

Now, I bored everyone to death on camp by talking subject, so why should those who didn’t go be let off?

1. Be permanently protected from Midge bites, Like Obelix falling into the potion cauldron? (No physical association intended, honest Ed.)
2. Descend into fits and horrible death from a organophoshate induced neural disease?
3. Complain that the porridge tasted of pesticide (an improvement?)?

1. One bowl
2. Two bowls
3. None but two bacon butties, large chips and many mars bars on the way up?

1. 1 lemon
2. 2 lime
3. 4 cans of McEwans special brew

1. Too much fried bread and sausages?
2. Toilet flushes too small?
3. Embarrassing bowel complaint?

1. query direct self-reducing lateral left patellar dislocation?
2. CW, HBCF, POTH, XTPIFLLP?
3. knackered his knee?

First correct answers win a free enema.

Editorial

‘Allo, ‘Allo

Welcome back, or simply welcome, as the case may be, to the first Postscript of the year. This time last year, the editor wrote "First editorials of the year are the hardest thing to write". Unlike my predecessors, however, who wrote their ‘maiden’ editorial at the start of Michaelmas term, I got that out of the way last term and so should be well practiced. Hopefully, though, there is a good proportion of you for which this is the first of my editorials that you have read, and so for the benefit of the those readers, I ought to explain one or two things...

Have I got news for you?

Postscript is more than simply a newsletter - it is an institution, like Winter Walking™ and Lunchtime Meetings. Join OUSGG and you will not be able to avoid it. It is usually published three times a term, and so the cliché goes, is written ‘by the members, for the members’. There is a tradition in OUSGG that you cease to be a fresher when you write your first article for Postscript, and only then. As if this wasn’t enough, there is an added incentive - the editorial board (me!) will select an article to be printed at the start of each issue, and the author of this article will receive a packet of Jelly Babies. Perhaps in a couple of weeks time you will be eating a packet of Jelly Babies whilst reading your article in print. You might even be writing the editorial this time next year!

Last of the Summer Wine

But not the last of OUSGG trips. One of the best ways to lose you’re fresher status is to write a trip report. Of course, to do this you need to actually go on a trip, and the first opportunity to do this will be the weekend away in the Peak District which will take place in a few weeks time (see page 13). One of the highlights of the year has to be Winter Walking™ and this year it will be in Wales. Despite the name, there’s more to it than just walking, so don’t let it put you off just because you don’t consider yourself to be a hard-as-nails mountaineer. There are some more details of this trip on page 9.

Only Fools and Horses

Work. Try using that as an excuse next time you haven’t done the work for a tutorial!

Letters

OUSGG: An A-Z

If you are not a fresher, cast your mind back to that time when you where preparing to come up to Oxford for the first time. OUSU sent you a fresher’s guide, perhaps your college JCR did as well. It is likely that they both contained an A-Z of witty and not so witty pieces of information designed to help you find your feet in Oxford. By the time you had read a few other such publications which you may have accumulated at the Fresher’s Fair, you probably started to get a little bored with this tired medium for disseminating advice and general trivia.

If you are a fresher, this experience will be all too fresh in your mind. But surely you would expect something a little more innovative from a lively, dynamic group such as OUSGG.

The truth is, however, that by repeating all the important information we want you to remember, such as the time and place of lunchtime meetings, carefully hidden amongst a selection of dubious jokes, you should be less likely to forget it all. Basically, it’s brain-washing on the cheap.

1. The ANNUAL DINNER is a most enjoyable occasion which takes place every year. This year’s will be a big one as it is the eightieth.
2. BORED already? Surely not.
3. COMPUTERS are used for writing articles and also for checking email, which you should do frequently as email is used to send out the latest up-to-date information about OUSGG events.
4. DEMOCRACY - yes, you can stand for any of the posts that are up for grabs each term. Voting takes place at the Termly General Meeting or TGM, held at the end of every term (as its name might suggest).
5. ERIK is OUSGG’s mascot. He is a stuffed panda who wears sub fusc, despite the fact that he doesn’t have to do exams and hasn’t matriculated (not really a surprise, given that he’s a stuffed panda).
6. F&GPC stands for Finance and General Purposes Committee, which usually meets once a term to discuss the running of the group.
7. GARETH is not just a member of the group, but a whole class of membership. He also likes visiting GEAR SHOPS, not unlike some other members.
8. HOT DOGS are one of the few things that a certain member of the group will eat, provided they aren’t chicken ones.
9. IN JOKES abound in most groups and OUSGG is no exception. See the competition below.
10. JELLY BABIES are the customary reward for various things in OUSGG, such as writing the lead article in Postscript.
11. This letter should, strictly speaking, appear backwards at the end of our mascot’s name, i.e. (q.v.).
12. LUNCHTIME MEETINGS take place every Thursday at 1 o’clock. This term it’s in Sarah’s room, St Johns N1-3.
13. MONDAYS are when we meet and do the things that it says on the termcard
14. NIGHT HIKE - an activity that may take place at some point, and is really a pub crawl in disguise. Try not to sprain your ankle and have to be carried back.
15. OXFORD is the home of OXFORD UNIVERSITY, as you’ve probably worked out, and without it, there’d be no OUSGG.
16. POSTSCRIPT - you really should have worked this one out by now. P is also for PUNT AND PICNIC, which is when we go punting and have a picnic on the day after the Annual Dinner (q.v.)
17. The QUARTERMASTER looks after all the group kit which gets used on trips. If you want to get some new gear ready for Winter Walking™ he might be able to arrange discounted rates from certain suppliers.
18. The Quartermaster (q.v.) always seems to want a new ROPE, but never gets round to buying one.
19. If you want, you can get involved with local SCOUT AND GUIDE GROUPS. Sarah, the Scout and Guide Liaison Officer, can put you in touch with a group if you want. You can even go to SSAGO RALLIES if you want to.
20. TRIPS are very important, so you should go on as many as you can.
21. UNDERGRADUATE is what you are until you’ve got you’re first degree out of the way, and what you’ll always be if you don’t work hard enough.
22. In the past, some members deluded themselves into thinking they had a talent for writing VERSE, and this seems to have undergone a bit of a revival in the last issue.
23. Winter Walking™ - I explained this in the editorial. Its quite simple, we go away in winter and do a bit of walking, amongst other things.
24. You’ll be lucky.
25. YES is the correct answer to give when asked if your are coming on Winter Walking™.
26. The end.

Winter Walking™

Well, no sooner has the term started when people are talking about the vacation. You'll be hearing a lot about Winter Walking™ this term, so for the sake of the freshers and anybody else who hasn't worked it out yet, here's a few things you need to know.

The date: Sun 27th Dec - Sun 3rd Jan.

Location: Snowdon House Bunkhouse, Nant Peris (in the heart of Snowdonia).

What we do: Well walking mostly. Some dead hard peaks, some gentle strolls, maybe a bit of climbing. If you want a day off and are bored of teashops and gear-shopping, there are other things to do in the area too.

The Weather: Look, I'm not promising anything. Knowing my luck, wet and windy. But it should be cold enough for snow, and it's more or less guaranteed on the peaks.

The People: Lots and lots and lots of us! (Or I'll be very lonely.)

The Price: This'll depend on how many people can go, it'll be in the region of £70, which is very good value for a week away.

Let me know by: ASAP, if you're positive you're going. (Or not; going to Chile is the only excuse I've accepted). But you needn't worry yet, there'll be a form in the next PostScript, with more details. In the meantime, go to the SSAGO rally in 4th week.

September Trip to the South Downs

Bearing in mind the origins of this trip it actually turned out to be quite successful. The plan began in a train from Carlisle straight after our trip to Scotland. By the time we reached Crewe, Thomas and I had agreed upon September and the South Downs. I'd always wanted to entice OUSGG down south to save me having to pay extortionate train fares but OUSGG has always made excuses like ‘there’s no mountains’ whenever I've suggested the south. This time however I got Thomas on my side and we agreed to do a trip aimed particularly at those who live in the south and those ‘gentle’ walkers among us. We investigated possible places to stay from our respective ends of the country and did a bit of phoning to decide on the best dates. We booked Sealarks, a Guide campsite in Seaford on the south coast. Then it was just a case of recruiting participants. Thomas made this more of a challenge by stating in his letter that the September trip was to be from 14^th to 18^th August! I will apologise now if you feel you've been left out but we made an executive decision to contact only those people who fitted our strict criteria.

Rachel (Healey) and I arrived first. We made a fairly good job of putting up the ridge tent between us, with some hindrance from the wind. Amazingly it stayed up all week although we had our doubts, as it wasn't the best of tents.... We also did the shopping before meeting Thomas and Alison at the station. When they didn't turn up at the expected time I thought that it must be a problem with the railway. Surely they were both intelligent enough to not get on the wrong train? As it turned out, they had in fact failed to get on the right train at Lewes, thinking it was the wrong one!

The following morning, once Simon had arrived, we were ready to set off on a walk We intended to do some of the Seven Sisters but the weather was so grim that we set off inland up the Cuckmere River to Alfriston. Fortunately Alfriston was well-endowed with teashops (although the first one we went in had no toilet - as a consequence they suffered having five people in muddy boots walk in and then walk out again!). The weather brightened up a little in the afternoon and it was altogether an enjoyable little amble with much discussion about what the feet of sheep look like and how old the White Horse was.

On our return we headed off into town in Simon's car, to do the rest of the shopping for the week. That was a complete nightmare! Trying to buy food with four other people telling you what they like and don't like and trying desperately to get you to spend more money than necessary. It got to the point where I was telling them all to shut up and go away (in the nicest possible way, of course!). We then took Rachel to the station and spent the evening doing the usual - cooking dinner, playing cards, doing the crossword listening to the same tape 3 times over... Matthew arrived in the midst of this after his Cub meeting in Guildford. We carefully put a snap light on the entrance to the site so that he could find it but he went and drove straight past it into a churned up field. Apparently he then went and asked the farmer for directions. Since it is a Guide site and they are very security conscious, the farmer is careful over whom he gives directions to. Obviously the Scout uniform Matthew was wearing did the trick, since a bloke asking for directions at that time of night must otherwise be a bit suspect!

On the Wednesday we had agreed to meet Rachel over in Brighton and then do a walk in that area. We decided (well, in fact I decided, and no one dared object) that we'd do Devil's Dyke, Jack and Jill windmills and Ditchling Beacon. Matthew and I went into Brighton to pick up Rachel and met Simon and the others at Devil's Dyke. After some discussion it seemed that people weren't very keen on walking there and back (about 13 miles in total) so we agreed to leave a car at the other end which meant both Simon and Matthew driving over, leaving one car there and then driving back. Adding to the problem was the fact that the route by road was somewhat longer than the walk itself and it was more complicated. Matthew and I set off, supposedly with Simon following us, but Matthew drove at such a pace that he went straight through a give way sign and then a no-entry sign (which Simon also followed us through!). After that he slowed down a bit but we still managed to lose Simon when we went round a roundabout twice because the map was out of date. For some reason Matthew didn't find it too helpful when I said "that roundabout doesn't exist!". Eventually both cars got to the car park and we returned to Devil's Dyke where Rachel and Alison had given up waiting and gone in the pub.

We started our walk at about 11am after all that first-class faffing with the cars. We stopped at the windmills for lunch and admired the view. You will no doubt hear from Rachel, Simon and Matthew that Alison, Thomas and I deserted them at this point. In fact when they showed no signs of moving we left them with a map and went. When we met up with them again at Ditchling Beacon they complained about how they'd been left to get lost. Quite how they managed to get lost with a map in their hands and large blue and yellow arrows saying things like ‘South Downs Way’ and ‘Ditchling Beacon’ I still don't understand, but apparently they did! While waiting for them up on Ditchling Beacon we passed the time by successfully getting three people standing on a trig point. Leaving Rachel to read her book in the car, the rest of us walked back somewhat faster, conscious of the fact that we had to fetch Rachel, go to the pub at Devil's Dyke and then return to Seaford in order to cook dinner. Matthew kindly stole a collection of condiments from the pub - everything from ketchup to mint sauce and from pickle to brown sauce. I think this was a reaction to my refusal to buy any sauces whatsoever in the supermarket.

The surprise came that evening when Rachel and Phil turned up in the middle of a card game. It turned out that Phil's landlady (who we'd been hearing about all day) had said that Rachel was not allowed to stay with Phil. She had virtually thrown her out! As a result, with nowhere else to go, both of them came over to Seaford where we fed them and gave them a space to sleep.

After the walking of the day before Simon and Alison were keen to have a faff day on Thursday. Fortunately I managed to discourage them from going to the Sea Life Centre (just a load of fish) and going to Hastings (I live there, why would I want to go there?). In the end we settled for Matthew and I walking the Seven Sisters and meeting Simon and Alison for lunch at Beachy Head. Again the weather was sunny (to the extent that my nose is now peeling!) [Weren’t you lecturing me about putting sun cream on in Scotland? - Ed] and we had a lovely walk along the cliff tops. Simon and Alison in the meantime drove along the coast and visited the countryside centre, the highlight of which was a talking shepherd apparently. We sat in the sun on Beachy Head for quite a while and then, predictably, went to the pub for more food and drink (in Matthew's case, a Yorkshire pudding and gravy!)

Our original plan was to go to Lewes for the afternoon to visit the castle. Unfortunately the plan turned into a real faff. With hindsight we actually left Beachy Head too late to then go to Lewes but we headed off that way anyway. We got to Lewes but when we failed to find the car park for the castle drove out of Lewes again. We were distracted by a police census on the road ahead and then found ourselves back on the bypass. Simon asked whether we wanted to try again at which point Matthew began a long debate about the pronunciation of Lewes (pronounced Lewis but pronounced by Simon as Loos). By which stage it was getting late and we were heading away from the town, so we went back to Seaford! On the return journey Matthew and Alison had a heated debate over whether going above the speed limit was in fact illegal. Matthew was going on about technical speed limits and actual speed limits but to me, anyway, he just seemed to be digging a deeper and deeper hole for himself!

On Friday morning we had something of a lie-in. On previous days Thomas had got up around 7am thus causing everyone else to stir. Without the human alarm clock in the tent we stayed in bed until 8am! It was then a case of clearing up, discovering Matthew's Scout uniform that he'd left behind, taking the tent down, loading Simon's car etc, before we all went. All in all, a successful trip which fulfilled its purpose and was a great excuse to see everyone again.

Trevelyan College, Elvet Hill Road, Durham, DH1 3LN.

For your own safety we advise that you arrange your first meeting in a public place during the hours of daylight and that you carry some form of protection - preferably some form of projectile weapon.

Replies should be sent to the editor for forwarding.

SSAGO Rally - Manchester

This term, as in every term, there is a chance for you to go on a rally. The rallies are organised by different SSAGO affiliated clubs and are a chance for people from all those different clubs to meet up and do all kinds of things (more on that later). First I feel that I should explain that SSAGO is not actually a dodgy sounding pudding, but rather an acronym for Student Scout and Guide Organisation. This term's rally is the (I quote) "Manchester Rally, 'Nuff Said". Now that's all very well, but personally I feel that if your group was organising a weekend from 6^th November to 8th November in Manchester, with activities including "The Manchester Fine Ales Experience" (Pub crawl), "The Manchester Football Experience" (Tour of Old Trafford), "The Manchester Art Experience" (Visiting various art museums etc), "The Manchester Fancy Dress Experience", "The Manchester Town Experience", "The Manchester Beer Experience" (Tour of Boddingtons Brewery), "The Manchester Leisure Experience" (at a local fitness centre) and "The Manchester Television Experience" (tour of Granada Studios) amongst others, then I feel people ought to be informed. So I did (or have?). There will also be a barn dance on the Saturday night, and dinner on Saturday is at a local pub. All this for a mere 18 quid. Bargain. If you want to know more, and even better, if you want to go, then let me know.

Peaks Trip

Chris asked me to knock up a quick advert for this term’s weekend away, and since the details are pretty much the same as last year’s trip to the Peak District (and the previous year’s trip) that isn’t too difficult. He will produce an information sheet with more details on it together with an application form, but for now here is a little taster from last year’s sheet...

"By the middle of term you’ll be absolutely gagging to get out of Oxford and into the countryside. Lucky for you then, I’m organising a repeat of last years highly successful trip to the Peak District. Except hopefully this time we’ll actually get snowed in, and won’t have to come back..."

Unfortunately we didn’t manage to get snowed in last year, but it was worth going all the same, if only to see Rob doubled-up in uncontrollable hysterical laughter during the course of the weekend.

The trip is taking place during the weekend of 6^th/7^th week, Friday 20^th - Sunday 22^nd November. The place we’ll be staying in is the Snake Pass Inn Camping Barn, which is (unsurprisingly) in Snake Pass, which is right in the middle of the Dark Peak. We’ll probably be going up by minibus. For more information speak to Chris, or just wait until he produces his fact sheet.

On Attraction to the Small and Furry

King George talked to trees, Prince Charles to his vegetables, lecturers even address students. Man has for many years given monologues to inanimate objects, yet it still comes as a shock to some when seemingly sane members of OUSGG give in to this urge. What on earth could make grown men (and women) degenerate into such childish babbling? Those who went on the summer trip to Scotland will remember. The insistent furry figure appears on your shoulder and starts nuzzling your ears. You sigh and roll your eye. "Hello Roadkill."

Roadkill is a squirrel. Or maybe a marmot. (A few people claim he is a beaver, but that is clearly ridiculous.) His usual residence is in Gareth’s car, and he is, well, he’s a glove puppet. So technically not alive, but its hard to be sure sometimes. He tends to take on the characteristics of whoever is holding him, or occasionally they take on his. The mood they are trying to portray on Roadkill creeps into their expression and they nod in synchrony.

The trip to Scotland was full of new experiences for Roadkill. He learnt to play cards, catch a ball and dance the Macarena. On one occasion he was employed to comfort a small child with a grazed knee, the mother being grateful, if a little concerned at the sanity of the puppeteer. Sometimes he was limited to nodding weakly, but this seemed to be a consequence of the company he was keeping. What no one could doubt is Roadkill’s amazing ability to hold conversations with almost anyone. A couple of people got as far as "Go away, Roadkill!" before they realised what they were doing, but everyone proved to be susceptible. It was easy to believe that the small brown bundle of fur was alive and responding independently. Finally, a warning to future trip organisers: stock up on Squirrel Snacks, or else he’ll raid your chocolate rations.